ONCE upon a time, we called hotlines only in an emergency.
These days, however, we have hotlines to service even greater calamities, from our children's refusal to eat apples to an ignorance of the correct way to walk backwards up a hill.
Did you know that 14 litres of water evaporate in an average apartment each day? That one in four houses suffers from the growth of mould? Time to call the Fungus Hotline, which will promptly answer all your pressing spore-related questions.
If you have deep concerns about the council garbage collection, spillage and bin repairs, you're lucky if you live in the Sydney suburb of Rockdale. The establishment of the Rockdale Council Waste Hotline means all your anxieties about rubbish elimination can be, with the press of a button, alleviated.
Having a crisis trying to tell the difference between "knit" and "purl"? Well, before you drop another stitch, jump on the phone and call the Knitting SOS Hotline. There, you can also be counselled on how to form a 1x1 rib on an odd number of stitches and what to do when a vintage pattern demands you "work" one row.
"If you've ever felt intimidated," states the Window Cleaning Hotline, "by all the different options that you have when trying to treat a window, then watch our inspirational video!" The hotline also treats phobias about phosphate cleaning products and ingrained obsessions with stained glass.
Are you having a nervous breakdown about how to baste your Christmas turkey? Are you paranoid about handling perishable foods? Call the Butterball Turkey Hotline, which has a crisis centre that operates year-round.
How many of us have been in a quandary about flooring refurbishments? How many sleepless nights have we endured, vacillating between the many varieties of underlays? Do we really need to pay extra in the kitchen for a slip-free surface?
Waste not another second and ring the Carpet Hotline, where a floor-covering specialist will attend to your every dilemma. Your carpet expert will also help you sort your shags from your piles, and will never put you on hold - even if you just need some advice on the best colour for your toilet mat and matching seat cover.
Mandy Sayer's new novel, Love in the Years of Lunacy, will be published in two weeks by Allen & Unwin.
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